Dying might be a daunting proposition, but because of our love and friendship Russ and I choose 'press on'. In pressing on the only reality we can choose from is the truth. But two minds, two hearts, two lives make that a confusion at times and we had to call in the troops yesterday. As we were floundering we needed some direction. A Palliative Care nurse and a Hospice Social Worker became our team of grace and encouragement. They sat with us to help us through some decision making that we can both acknowledge as true and helpful. These two women helped us navigate a difficult process.
My thank you note follow-up after our meeting:
Thank you Barbara and Miko,
As you could see I am standing on the edge of drowning and that is a scary place to be. I have never felt like this before and it startles me to see my frustrations with previously simple tasks that have become challenging. In part it is the guilt/shame effect of wanting to have Russ live his life to his choosing. He has a hard time with opinions and verbalizing now, and generally wants to ‘please me’. Last year, while he was more aware of his surroundings and options we had several discussions about end of life situations. We went to a lawyer to think through them clearly, get them in writing, and to distribute them to the appropriate people, but to be the person executing that decision is still tough. And I am well aware, especially working in a church and dealing with death of loved ones, that the biggest gift we have given one another IS to preplan and talk through the reality of dying. Those conversations happened so I wouldn’t have to feel guilt. I am grateful for your help with that one.
Due to exhaustion, I am at a pretty low mental state. A visual for me is watching Russ try to extract himself from the bed sheets, once so easy and now nearly impossible. Nighttime sucks the energy from both of us. Alas, Barb and Miko to the rescue! You gifted us with acknowledging how tough it can be, but not saying if we would ‘just’ do such and such all would be better. You gave us concrete things to think about and we will over the next few days.
Thank you for the grace of who you are and how you deliver the tough message. We appreciate your time.
Peace,
Linda (and Russ)
And that is our personal truth, our hope and how we plan to press on.