In Durango I had a counselor who helped me move through anger, guilt, loneliness, and depression. In inching my way towards acceptance, I decided to move to a new city. That gave me the courage to ‘remember’ who I was… all alone, just me, with our history glued to my side in support, but not the minute by minute focus.
For Russ’ last couple years of life and the two following his death I wandered in and out of anger, fear, loneliness, and desperation. And then a friend wrote… "There were a thousand small good-byes, those but a fraction of lifetime hellos”. A gut punch (said lovingly) to jolt me into action. We DID have a wonderful relationship. We DID have a wonderful life. We DID have so much more than dependence and caregiving.
There was a pattern to each week’s GriefShare gathering. We began in a small group, gathered all the groups together for an object lesson and to watch a video (which I very much appreciated) and closed by gathering in our small group for final thoughts.
I appreciated the Object Lessons. They were short, using a physical object or visual aid to help us understand an intangible aspect of grief and reinforce the purpose of the lesson. They were a bit like salt. Salt has great effectiveness to flavor food but must be used sparingly; to enhance, not overpower.
To my thinking, the activity was a celebration and a thank you that each of us made contributions along this journey of 13 weeks together, that we opened one another's eyes to the reality that we each have a very personal story and a very personal way of responding. As we tossed the yarn ball back and forth we could SEE the interconnectivity and dependence of our group. It was an example of gathered strength and as the visual displayed, we can continue to care and support one another.
Though I wrote the following poem as a result of attending GriefShare and 'carrying' Russ with me, I would say the same for this group of people who must adjust to a world without their loved one physically by their side.
"They whom we love and lose is no longer by your side, but in your heart and mind forever." St. John Chrystostom
keeper of my heart
i hear the words
i know he will always be there
i will gently
tenderly
tuck his memory into my heart
i will carry him with me always
but that’s not enough to survive
i have God on my side
and must come to him
again and again
face to face
heart to heart
in doing so
i will survive
he will help carry the load
where others ‘want’ to help
but know not how
he will be my guide
showing me that healing is heart-based
not head-based