Flying home, driving home, walking in the door, I wondered... how do I live without you...
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I visited with my sister-in-law Gail and my brother Ron this last week. The world of Tucson is a world away from Durango. They live in a golf community, made up of a cluster of smaller communities (Blocks). Gail and Ron have about 28 units in theirs. Sunday was a work day to repair and prepare the Ramada for the summer. I actually enjoy work parties because it brings together a diverse group of people. Certainly not all households have the same ideas, the same golf scores, the same joy of baking or the same way to 'do life'. But each household can be a part of something bigger: community. In my development of Estancia, we say 'you don't have to be best friends with everyone, but knowing you can call on someone for help is a gift'. Kudos to all who had the time to come out and help spiff up the ramada. It was FUN and we ACCOMPLISHED so much! Take a look at the results.
FIRST THERE WAS PREPARATION: THEN CAME THE COMMUNITY WORK DAY I was the outsider, the visitor, but these folks made me feel welcome. That's the gift of work days as far as I am concerned; each time you learn a little bit more about your neighbors. In my development we do elk fencing parties, neighborhood pot-lucks, general walk throughs on green belt and when Jack was getting chemo we all took turns mowing his lawn. About once a year we do ladies events...wreath making, beading, fused glass, a cookie party; whatever someone feels like sharing with the others. On snow days there are clusters of people who help one another shovel. When Russ died neighbors did all sorts of loving things, all because we are 'commumity'. And why does this happen? It's because we gather as a group for fun things and learn that our differences enrich us and make us whole. Getting together in fun is bonding in a good way. There are three ladies missing from this photo. In all there were 18 worker-bees. Maybe next year I can join in again...
Part 2 I am sitting on the floor of the Tucson Airport. I am away from the masses, practicing my social distancing. That is actually a joke as far as I have seen so far on this trip. They say the words, but don't seem to practice them. One minute you MUST social distance and the next you are nested together, encouraged to "move forward please". This flight coming down was completely full, people jammed together in seats too close. I will be interested to see what the return flights are like. It's been a fun and relaxing trip: sun, fun, new sights and experiences. It is a world I am completely unfamiliar with. So again, I took photos to help me remember the experience, the sun, the atmosphere of 'I have all the time in the world'. I don't know most of the plants in this southwestern world, but I sure did enjoy them. Part I I am in Tucson, AZ. Since Gail and Ron have a winter house here, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get away, a change of scene, a mini retreat of sorts. When I fessed up to my 'voice of reason' that my blog was a bit too much of my immediate reality, she suggested that I do a photo journal of my trip. Thanks to my trusty phone I am able take photos easily. So, for your viewing pleasure and my joy in a changed world, here you have the first couple of days. My childhood was Winnie-the-Pooh heavy... and Peanuts and Steiff animals and pumpkin carving and swimming and family, but so many lessons came from Winnie-the-Pooh himself, planting kindness and gathering in love. I have been thinking about Winnie lately, about how loyal he was and such a kind friend. He was all about giving others consideration, making a difference in their lives. Pooh says life is better with friends, it's that simple. He encourages us to know that whether we have known someone a lifetime or just met, our friends are the ones we turn to for advice, laughter or a glass of wine. Pooh encourages everyone to hold friendships close and to tell your friends you appreciate them. Pooh is the kind of guy who models for you how 'to do' kindness, how to live life. He espouses reaching out and showing kindness. You only get to pass through life once so if you notice any good thing you can do for another human being, don't neglect it because the opportunity may not come again. Act now. I think Russ was part Pooh Bear (actually I called him Blue Bear for years). He was special and in 43 years I never tired of waking next to him; he was my person! As Pooh modeled for us, Russ always knew love doesn't come round every single day so once it's found be sure to cherish it... we did just that. There is so much we can glean from Pooh's unrelenting calm and goodwill. Here are a few of his thoughts: I have been in a fairly dark place lately and my blog posts reflect that. I am in the difficult place of trying to honor both Russ and my grief while trying to find a tiny crack to let some light in. Each time I sit to write a post, I have every intention of writing something hopeful but then tears splash across my heart, expressed through my words. When a small voice says 'let it flow', I obey. You, the reader, are the recipient of my sorrow.
My friend Linda J. suggested I get the book Live in Grace - Walk in Love. I am loving it and grateful for the suggestion. It is a great way to begin my day with a hopeful focus. I loved today's message and want to share it with you just as I read it about an hour ago. LOVE PEOPLE LIKE THE RULES WE'VE MADE UP DON'T APPLY. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10 Birthdays are the only time we celebrate people just because they exist. They don't have to do anything special that day - no book launch or graduation or job promotion or space shot. We celebrate them because they were born. I love birthdays so much that I've started doing away with the birthday system where we only get to celebrate people one time a year. Think about it: Jesus performed thirty-seven miracles, depending on how you count them. Our friends are the thirty-eighth miracle. Now, that's something to celebrate. Those closest to us are a gift every day - fall, winter, summer, and spring. They make bad days more bearable with their comfort and attention. They make sweet moments all-out celebrations because their presence amplifies our joy. Whose idea was it to only set aside one day a year to bake them cakes and shower them with gifts? That's why I make a point to send friends balloons on random Tuesdays or flowers at the end of a mundane workday or a package full of surprises, just because. Sometimes I throw a dinner party with Secret Santa gifts in July. I'll get on the grill and Sweet Maria will bake a cake and we'll shower a friend with affection because they were born and they bring us such joy. It's not to cheer them up or affirm their achievements; it's just to tell them they're a gift to the world. Break the rules that say you have to contain your love to specific days. Pick a person and celebrate them today. We don't need to wait for permission to throw a party. WHO CAN YOU CELEBRATE TODAY? WHAT WILL YOU DO? Dear Russ (aka Rusty, Blue Bear, Lovey, Babe, MLMLMCHB of a H), There is a lot of deep truth in the saying I wish you were here, but I'm glad you're not! Oh how I wish I could ask you a question or see you smile or come home and have you be so happy to see me. Oh how I wish we were still doing life together. But at the very same time I am grateful you don't have to live through one more day needing someone to help you with just about every move, that so much of your day was spent in a chair, that riding your tricycle had become too difficult and reading a book was in the past. My revelation then became: I am overwhelmed with leaving you behind and overwhelmed with facing the future. Did I take 'us' for granted? Did I voice my gratitude for our great communication, for your inner strength, for our love story? Did I foresee the silence?
I want to believe that I knew what a gift our love was and knew that one day you would be gone. But in my heart I also hid from that truth, never wanting you to go away. So we had to plan ahead with as much precision as possible to carry me forward in your love. I can use that planning now, slipping in and out of the silence as a kind of comfort. Life is a process, but so is grief. You knew I would be surrounded by friends and family to walk by my side. You planned for years for our financial security. You filled our house with love, peace, grace and joy. When you left, the enormity of your departure was deafening. A plan came to mind last week and I decided to act on it. My prayer is that through it I will find a sense of peace and a glimpse of how to move forward. Your favorite TV show during the last year was HGTV's Maine Cabin Masters. I think it allowed you to dream, to reminisce in a way that brought you 'life'. You were a master of repurposing building materials. You made our home a gallery of artwork and artful touches. I wrote a letter to Maine Cabin Masters and asked if they knew of any cabin they had renovated that might be a vacation rental. I got a note back from the business owner himself and yes he gave me a link to a rental! It's perfect and I have rented it for a week in August. My plan is to go sit on the dock for a week of healing and reflection. My plan is to have time 'away from it all' to honor our marriage, our connection and all our years together. I can't wait. Maine Cabin Masters gifted each of us with every show this past year. I get to go to a place that you actually saw on TV. You were witness to the transformation of the cabin and I am praying there will be transformation in me as I remember you, remember us. Love you babe, Linda It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I seem to be winding down on all the forms, the letters, and the phone calls. I have turned in all my tax info to the accountant. Now I have a bit too much time to be sad, to miss Russ and to wonder how I can do this life without him. Every picture that has slid across my screen has been a smiling Russ, reminding me of wonderful adventures. I am fairly certain I have only two serious photos of him; his professional Navy photo and one at a picnic in Vermont when the sun was in his eyes. Seeing all those smiles makes me want to smile and I am very sure he would want me to...he told me just that, many times, during the last year. I have had to give thought to how that might happen for me. It's hard. I have initiated an early morning 'plan' of devotion, journal, spin or yoga and then a slow push into my day and that has helped. I am trying to walk with friends. I have snow shoed. I am in a wonderful small group. My world is expanding slowly; not berceuse I want it to, but because I can't spend all my time crying. People have been so caring, so patient and I am grateful! Again yesterday I cried mid sentence. I was on a zoom meeting with many folks I didn't even know and my eyes started to leak. I am so proud of Russ and how he managed and something someone said pushed a bit too hard on my heart. Each of those people were gentle. They understood that I will know when I am in the right place emotionally, because I will feel like I'm home. Russ' smiles are home, so I guess my immediate job is to embrace them and smile back. My immediate job is to follow his edict: "Don't cry becuase I'm gone, sing because I was here." Smile.
Oh my gosh... I just read this sentence... "The saddest part of life is when the person who gives you the best memories becomes a memory"! Guess that about sums it up. Sigh.
The easy path is to live life with my thoughts firmly fixed in the past or to search ahead for whatever possibility may show up. But really? There is only now, right here, right now. With that, I need to focus energy and thought valuing 'now', the present, the gift that will, in the end, move me forward. That sounds plausible and 'nice', but it is not the easiest to achieve. I suppose I should be taking the saddest part of life right now, my memories of all the amazing things Russ and I did and achieved, and just carry them with me in this moment, this day. I need to let them gift me with the sheer goodness that they happened, that we happened. Wallowing in the past or dreaming of the future will be a weight on my soul, I need only to focus on the loving memories that flit through my mind today as I move from moment to moment. Ready. Set. Go. If at first I don't succeed, I will keep on trying. I wrote about 'Truth Be Told' on 11-18-20, but am feeling it surface again. Yesterday was 6 weeks since the last time I put Russ to bed, since I held his hand, since I saw him smile, since I bathed and dressed him, since I told him I loved him (to his face...I'm still saying it over and over), since I said good-bye and then watched them take him from the house. Six weeks when my truth is sadness. Matthew West's lyrics say: Truth be told The truth is rarely told, I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine... but I'm not I'm broken And when it's out of control I say it's under control... but it's not And you know I don't know why it's so hard to admit it When being honest is the only way to fix it There's no failure, no fall There's no sin you don't already know So let the truth be told. I seem to be wading in and out of that truth and that's OK because that's inevitable, it's my truth. There is no right or wrong way to live through these first days, weeks and months, there is only now, whatever my moments present me with. I need to let things unfold without forcing them, accepting the pieces of my immediate reality. Russ is 'missing' from my physical world, but he surrounds me in subliminal ways. If I allow him to, I can have his smile, his care, his patience and his endless willingness to learn to live with each small good-bye right by my side. If I can find the strength to allow those truths in, I am humbled and want to follow Russ' example of how to live life even when it isn't perfect.
If I can face the reality of losing Russ, then truth be told... the power of his life and love will carry me forward through these dark days. He is gifting me even when he isn't here. What an amazing guy! |
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