There is a lot of deep truth in the saying I wish you were here, but I'm glad you're not! Oh how I wish I could ask you a question or see you smile or come home and have you be so happy to see me. Oh how I wish we were still doing life together. But at the very same time I am grateful you don't have to live through one more day needing someone to help you with just about every move, that so much of your day was spent in a chair, that riding your tricycle had become too difficult and reading a book was in the past.
I want to believe that I knew what a gift our love was and knew that one day you would be gone. But in my heart I also hid from that truth, never wanting you to go away. So we had to plan ahead with as much precision as possible to carry me forward in your love. I can use that planning now, slipping in and out of the silence as a kind of comfort. Life is a process, but so is grief.
You knew I would be surrounded by friends and family to walk by my side. You planned for years for our financial security. You filled our house with love, peace, grace and joy. When you left, the enormity of your departure was deafening.
A plan came to mind last week and I decided to act on it. My prayer is that through it I will find a sense of peace and a glimpse of how to move forward. Your favorite TV show during the last year was HGTV's Maine Cabin Masters. I think it allowed you to dream, to reminisce in a way that brought you 'life'. You were a master of repurposing building materials. You made our home a gallery of artwork and artful touches.
I wrote a letter to Maine Cabin Masters and asked if they knew of any cabin they had renovated that might be a vacation rental. I got a note back from the business owner himself and yes he gave me a link to a rental! It's perfect and I have rented it for a week in August. My plan is to go sit on the dock for a week of healing and reflection. My plan is to have time 'away from it all' to honor our marriage, our connection and all our years together. I can't wait.
Maine Cabin Masters gifted each of us with every show this past year. I get to go to a place that you actually saw on TV. You were witness to the transformation of the cabin and I am praying there will be transformation in me as I remember you, remember us.
Love you babe,
Linda