Recently I have felt like I was disappointing people… family and friends mostly. I think it might be a byproduct of close relationships. Having passed through three years without my best friend by my side, I am feeling some unspoken pressure to ‘move on’.
I am taking my first overseas trip by myself…next week! In preparation I have been reintroducing myself to using an iPad as it is so much lighter to carry than my laptop. I bought a new cover that has a keyboard attached and have downloaded a couple apps to help keep track of things as well have some reading material loaded onto it. I added Hoopla, an app from the library, and in practicing to use it, I loaded the book “Widowhood, I Didn’t Ask for This” by Elaine Marze. She speaks my language!
From her book:
“You can’t be married for nearly forty years (for me 43 years) and lose that part of yourself without missing him in the extreme. I liken it to losing half my body or at least an arm and a leg. The Lord helps you through it, but you still have to learn to walk and get by without an arm and leg. When we were together, we saw humor in nearly everything; but without him, there is little humor. I smile and laugh, but my heart is not in it, which is normal for grief processing according to the books, not that knowing it helps.
They say time heals; so I’m just going through the motions, hoping that the healing comes soon because right now, the wounds are raw (for me… still... even after 3 years) and bleeding inside where my heart was torn asunder. The outside is only a fake façade…there are so many things that married people don’t realize how much they will miss sharing when that other person is gone.”
Now there is a new world order and I continue to learn how to navigate it. It sounds so simple to those who have not experienced it. Perhaps if I read the right book, went to the right church, joined the right group, went on a date, or acted on some well-meaning advice, I would find myself happy and in control of my world. But there are ‘ambush’ times, unannounced, when grief just slips in. When will these pass? Ever? With each ‘ambush’ I disappoint someone or I disappoint myself because I have disappointed someone. And then there is my identity. It has been so difficult to lose the identity of us, to learn to be by myself, to learn how to be me – just me.
But I am learning, truly I am. Just now I sit on my back patio. The fountain is burbling, there is a gentle breeze and the leaves on my Bottle Tree are dancing. In the background there is a symphony of bird song. There is a gentle joy with all the flowering bushes, blue sky and grateful thanks of knowing I have such a serene and calm back yard.
So while I have some difficult days, moments, thoughts and reactions, I am learning some hopeful navigation tools.