especially this week.
When I look at my skin, I see age spots, wrinkles and the skin itself thinning. I have had blepharoplasty surgery (for droopy eye lids that obstructed my vision). My lower back hurts almost daily. After being a caregiver for 10 years, my husband died and I gained 20 pounds (eating poorly). I have a belly I can't seem to get rid of. My first sibling (of a brood of 6) died recently. For the first time in my life I live alone and must trouble shoot and make decisions by myself. Some people applaud my approach to life, while others feel my choices show poor judgment. I drink wine. I have dinner left-overs for breakfast and it took almost 2 years after Russ' death to be able to read a book in less than a month.
On the flip side, I sold my house and moved to a city. I picked out a house that suited me and is very different than any pace I have ever lived. I hired a personal trainer. I found a church. I am learning to line dance. I have found the gumption to eat out alone, to go to movies alone, to hike the vast trail system of Tucson alone and to go to concerts in the park alone. I hired a wills and estate planning person as well as a fiduciary to manage my estate. And next month I embark on my first solo over-seas trip to Italy, to hike (though I am going with the Backroads tour company) the Amalfi Coast and Tuscany.
Given those stats, my life could unfold in two very different ways. Reading "Women Rowing North" has confirmed for me that there are so many ways to live your elder years. The decision is yours and yours alone.
I just read a chapter about being authentic and self-accepting. A few nuggets were:
- One of the great gifts of our later years is the possibility of authenticity. By engaging in the process of becoming more integrated and aware, we learn that the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
- Self-awareness allows us to separate our own needs and desires from those of others. We should ask ourselves 'What part of this is about me? What part of this situation is not about me?'
- With acceptance comes the possibility of self-forgiveness.
I am working at choosing me. Perhaps that sounds very self-centered, but I don't mean it as such. I love family and friends and serving and caring. I love connecting with people. I choose all those things, but I am learning to make those connections grow from my own soul story. Even husband/wife/(or)partner have different soul
journeys. Though our days are intertwined, they too are separate. So before I can bless others, I must bless myself with my own truth.
As Mary Pipher says :"...I hope that we experience bliss. I want us to sense how big life is- how intense, joyful, painful, complicated, and beautiful our lives can be. Let us embrace everything. This can be our rescue as we navigate the last stretch of the river with its treacherous currents, quicksand, deep clear waters, and silver sands"