This week has shared a bit of Vermont weather with us, that fickle, unpredictable come and go kind of spring. The true blessing of Colorado is that at some point today we will see the sun! I woke to a moist canvas with grey sky and the tulips ladened with snow. I have decided to try to see it in a positive light, to see the beauty beneath the snow and bluster. And it truly was fickle…we saw rain or snow about every hour today and challenging that was the hourly hint of blue sky and sun. Then of course my friend Chris confused all that with lovely photos from Florida where summer reigns! I keep thinking it will come next week…perhaps.
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How many times do we walk into our house thinking 'what will I make for dinner' or ' I need to make a dessert…wonder what I should make?' I am a refrigerator cook. I never enjoyed baking much but Joan was a fabulous baker & inspiration and has worked at delighting the palate since she was in grade school. I always kept my eyes on dinner.
We had a rough week last week ending in an invitation to Ray and Barb's (neighbors) for a pot luck. I was a gentle basket case by then and Barb said "just bring something easy and that you don't need to shop for". Ahhh, my kind of challenge. So… for that I made an hors d'oeuvre pizza-like nibble. With the left over pear I followed with lunch sandwiches of ham and thin slices of pear and then dinner of pork cutlets with sautéed mushrooms & pear slices…. 3 meals with one pear; all delicious. My 'pizza' hors d'oeuvtr idea? My intent was a Pepperidge Farm Puff Pastry sheet base but did not have on hand. I used an Against the Grain gluten free pizza crust, our favorite. Onto this I added, -a thin swipe of pesto -a good hardy swipe of cream cheese spinach spread -a layer of mozzarella -crumbled cooked bacon -very thin sliced pear -a thin layer of parmesan Bake and Voila! It was a 'Keeper'. and as an aside, Russ just read me this quote from THE WEEK magazine and it fits my immediate thoughts..."Marriage is insurance for the worst days of your life. During the best years you don't need a husband". Helen Gurley Brown That made us both laugh whether husband or wife... We really are OK-ish…or GOOD-ish or HANGING in there. Many have gathered around to hold us up and for that we are so very thankful!
Russ is sleeping right now, a much deserved nap. We have had one hell of a week, no other way to put it. Thankfully we have each had our pity party in different moments. I tend to break down while I am driving or in the shower; I like to keep my tears to myself. But when they have been exhausted it is always good to remember, this too shall pass. As Pastor Jeff often says, 'the worst thing in your life is never the last thing in your life'. I need to hold on to that truth; life's happenings are a temporary nature of existence.The phrase 'this too shall pass' wraps me in comfort and reassures me that it won’t always be this hard — and then it takes my breath away as it reminds me that things can (will?) get worse! Is it possible to be simultaneously ecstatic and miserable? In this case, I guess so!
While searching for a graphic online I saw several tattoos of this phrase. If you were to tattoo encouraging words on your body, a visible, if initially painful reminder of hope in moments of despair…. what would you choose? Just curious…. email me your thoughts. ...Time where did you go? Wait, don't go so fast... I do try not to make this a depressing monologue. And truly, our life has it's moments, it's struggles, and it's complications, but in reality we have been blessed. It is just that I find by writing things down as we venture into older years and the ramifications of PD, they don't look so dark. And I figure anyone who happens to read this can just pass by the trying entries by. Russ and I have been together as a couple for 38 years. The last few days have been a bit tough with PD issues….. so I decided to look back at how young and healthy we once were. Phew! What 38 years can do to a body! But 38 years can also strengthen the love and care. The photos are generally in a time sequence. I take the photos of our life so there are very few of the two of us. But when one is feeling a tad old it's such fun to look back on young pleasures… we have had a blessed life that's for sure. We have traveled the world, watched Joan and Gardner become wonderful human beings and great parents, been satisfied with life work choices and had the extreme pleasure on one another's company set in amazing locations.
This truly was a day of total and complete confusion. I helped out at the soup kitchen this morning. Our crew prepared a traditional breakfast… scrams, sausage, home fries, fruit salad and pastries. The line today was long and wrapped around the corner. Why? Perhaps everyone was experiencing seasonal confusion. I gave the opening prayer… pondering God’s humor…. here I was praying with 100+ homeless folks commenting on the snow, fog, damp, rain, sleet, and cold they had just spent the night in, while I had just come from my warm, dry house to a warm, dry car to the warm, dry soup kitchen. How odd to imagine I could mingle with these folks. How audacious to think I had a prayer in me that would speak to their needs. How complicated I made it to try to find ‘the right’ words of comfort and hope for folks literally coming in from the cold. I shiver at the thought….
Then there was the lunchtime discussion with Russ. He is rightfully concerned (i.e. confused) about the timing of buying a house. On the one hand he has organized a bridge mortgage to start building before we sell this house, he has spent time on his design program drawing up some changes for the house and he has been doing research for several technical features. On the other hand he continues to say ”we can’t make decisions until we know for sure what we will sell this house for”. The man is mentally confused. And me? My day spiraled around me… feeling grateful that the soup kitchen clients had a warm morning place and a hot meal to begin their day and sad that so many locals spent a very inclement night camping in the backdrop of Durango; grateful for how Russ looks after us financially and sad that he fears the next step. My shifting day bouncing among the spirals of confusion sent me to the kitchen. I’d bake! Yes, I had all I needed: a kitchen, the ingredients, the oven and options…let us not dismiss the bliss of options. But what kind of cookies? My muddled mind was exasperated and just gave up…make them all! Sometimes patience is the only way to work through confusion. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that no one goes through life on a path of no resistance. We all have moments of confusion, we all have times of being ‘lost’ and these repeat themselves over and over throughout life. Nobody is exempt from these feelings; it’s all a part of the human journey. Sometimes, in those moments, the best thing is a warm meal, letting go and working on faith or making cookies! Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies… for your baking, eating and sharing pleasure 1 cup Ghirardelli Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips 1/2 cup butter, softened (1 stick) 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 1/4 cup sugar 1 egg 1 tablespoon milk 1 teaspoon vanilla 1 cup unsifted flour 1/2 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt (optional) 3/4 cup dry-roasted unsalted peanuts, chopped DIRECTIONS Preheat the oven to 350°F. In a large mixing bowl, cream the butter, peanut butter, brown sugar, and sugar until well blended. Beat in the egg, milk, and vanilla. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, and salt. Gradually add the dry ingredients to the creamed mixture. Stir in the chocolate chips and peanuts. Chill the dough in the refrigerator for 15 minutes. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 12 to 14 minutes, or until the edges are golden brown. Cool 1 minute on cookie sheet, then transfer to wire cooling racks. Yesterday, in the mail, I received a very official envelope from the District Attorney. I couldn't imagine what it was about. In January we were rear ended (see January posting) by an unlicensed 17 year old. Apparently the 'unfinished business' the police officer spoke of will be settled in court soon and they were asking for information about the accident and ramifications on my life and property and also asked if I had any thoughts about her sentencing. Wow. And I am suppose to respond to her sentencing after being in the company of this young lady for 2 hours?
If you were in this situation would you be more concerned about your car, the annoyance of dealing with the situation, the girl, the system…? I had to ponder that one. In the end I went with the thought that has appeared in my mind again and again…. I sure hope there is a strong person who will come into her life and redirect some of her decision making choices. I ended my letter to the DA with: I was only in this young lady’s company for a couple of hours. Quite obviously I do not ‘know’ her. I sensed a somewhat defiant teen prone to thinking she could make things work in her favor if she could capture the situation in her mind and act according to the need of the moment. My opinion? She needs a strong and caring mentor and lots of community service hours in a place where she will see she should be using her intelligence for the greater good and not self-indulgence. Thank you for asking my opinion. Bad choices in your teen years do not necessarily make you the person of a lifetime. I did not sense Darby was part of a world immersed in failure, but a world of opportunities she was having a hard time ‘seeing’. I sensed Darby thought life was a product of her circumstances and not a product of her decisions. My prayer is that someone can help her see otherwise. Have you ever been asked to guide a troubled teen in a lawful situation? What an intimidating thought! I certainly hope our local system have people with heart, strong follow through and accountability standards and are not part of the typical over worked juvenile system. When I read the above quote and look at the photo it shouts grateful joy. There is nothing so soothing as sitting in my kayak on a calm lake soaking in the beauty that surrounds me…sheer bliss! Each Wednesday morning I meet my friend Jan at 7:15AM and we walk & talk the River Trail. We take joy in one another's company, in a book we read together & discuss and the natural world around us that we are so fortunate to call home. The book we are reading now is"One Thousand Gifts…A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp. Habits can imprison us and it’s habits that can free us. Should I focus on all Russ is loosing and in turn on all the ways my life, our lives, are changing or should I turn that focus inward (or should I say outward?) and 'take joy'. I think one of the most important things in life is to be aware of what I have and not of what I don’t have. If I concentrate only on what I want (Russ not to have PD, Russ to regain his mobility, Russ to not worry about what others think, not having to move from our beloved property and solitude), I will miss the blessings and gifts in front of me now. Ann Vancamp suggests that by naming all the little gifts that God bestows on us each and every day, we allow ourselves to see and savor every moment. Her book challenges one to 'TAKE THE JOY DARE'. I have. I have set up a Google Doc and Russ and I can each go in and add our 'gifts'. I'm wondering how long it will take us to get to 1000. Now the book might be a bit 'girly' for some. Certainly the dust cover might dissuade some from even picking it up. So perhaps you can be grateful there is a dust cover and take it off to read the book incognito. I give this as a disclaimer, the book is written as poetry–in prose–and for some, this style will not only frustrate, but also nauseate. It's working for me though, redirecting my mind and heart towards the good and holy and showing me delight. Ann Vancamps gift of this book is gifting me with inspired focus.
Here are a few quotes from the book I find wholeheartedly engaging…they speak to me. Jan and I have had a wonderful time pondering… "What does it mean to live full of grace? To live fully alive?" "If it were up to me…" and then the words pound, desperate and hard, "I'd wrote this story differently." "How do we live fully so we are fully ready to die?" "Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it? Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be affronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur?" "In the midst of what seems a mess, in the tripping up and stumbling down of all hopes, give thanks?" "We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks." "Moving the ink (curser?) across the page opens up the eyes; he may not understand how it sheds light, focus its lens, but only he knows 'that there are eyes in pencils and pens'." "Just naming it…Just naming it. When you don't have the name for something, you're haunted by shadows. It ages you." "Naming offer gifts recognition." "The work, the kids, the meals, the laundry, the ministry, a life so full it can seem empty." "I just want to do my one life well." and I love this one…. "When did I stop thinking life was dessert?" Giving thanks for one thousand things is ultimately an invitation to slow time down with the weight of full attention. This writing it down - is sort of like…unwrapping love. Can I live this life well? Am I willing to let go of the negative, the worry and the unknown and focus on those tiny gifts right in front of me? Will I bless others more completely if I rearrange the way I 'do life'? I'm willing to try… Google Docs here I come! I am in turmoil! There is little that can be said for this political circus that is dignified and hopeful, so perhaps a glass of wine will help!
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