Almost a year later I am still trying to figure that out. Intellectually I know the answer is to live in the moment, to focus on the present. I can remember, but shouldn't dwell on the past and I should leave the future out of the equation. The trick is to believe that and live that. Sometimes I get stuck in the mud, wallowing and slowly sinking.
If I listen to my own truth, I will see that the present is about hope and faith. I can live in the present with Russ' grace a gentle reminder. I can live his hope and faith in me. I can use his thoughts from the past to drive my future. I can take care of myself; I can put away the emotional turmoil of his death and live wholly his parting words...he begged me "to live as whole as possible".
Have I moved forward at all? Inch by inch I guess one might say, I have. Through life here in Tucson, the activities and people I have found to engage with, I have walked forward in possibility. It can't be a woulda, coulda and shoulda... it must all move forward trusting in my inner wisdom and leaning on the love and faith of those around me.
So here is to year two, learning to live in peace with what IS, the NOW. Now would someone please tell me why this is so very hard?
I hiked with the church hiking group today. One woman, Mary, shared some wise words related to the struggle I am in the midst of. This is a woman, who is a 3 times
cancer survivor, one of 23 people in the US to have a very rare bone cancer and the only one of those to survive, and had brain surgery along with 16 other surgeries! The hope she exudes mystifies me...
"Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present."