I want to be fully present to others, to be connected, but living the life of and for two people can be quite draining. Sometimes we both want to live it on our own terms, but once invested in care giving and care receiving, the separation becomes blurred.
Today I just feel a bit broken. I bought my Choose Kindness sign because I needed to be more mindful of the option. I needed a visual reminder. My mind was groaning with the need to incorporate kindness more into my life. Pastor Jeff often says we preach to ourselves, to our personal need. Well... I need to show more kindness. I feel gently paralyzed to reach beyond myself right now. I want to curl up and be left alone. This is not a good feeling and my choose kindness sign and my request for a do-over is my need to be healed. Without acknowledging that need I have little hope of easing my burden and moving on. So there you have my pronouncement; I have turned inward and closed my heart, I am hard-edged. I know this will lift, it always does. It is temporary.
I know I do not want to live with the sadness, it hurts. But it seems that I have self-talk on a constant repeat cycle in my brain. One of the very hard parts of PD is knowing when something is premeditated or a product of reduced brain function. What is choice and what is decision? Where I have been getting sidetracked is when was it an unconscious decision and I interpret it as a choice. Perhaps that is where this whole implodment began. Who knows and really it is mote.
So here is my reality. I am choosing to miss a party tonight. I am choosing to not make folks feel sorry for me when I burst into tears. I am choosing to draw back the curtain of sadness and wake to a better day tomorrow. We do not get to choose most of our life's path, but we do get to choose how we respond. I am going to focus on some better things than my own worried heart and let warmth shine in.