Daily, in moments of quiet, I erupt in tears; loneliness and sadness. It erupts suddenly, coming out as a wail, a burble or a deep sigh. These times are powerful, but coming less frequently and in shorter bursts. In between I am taking the time to reflect on our amazing connection. I am now able to recall some planned and spontaneous adventures. Visuals of trips and vacations float through my mind... Rome, England, Florida, special dinners and picnics, Paris, B&Bs, home exchanges, scuba diving, back packing and camping.
I am not forgetting Russ. I am not forgetting our PD journey. I am not forgetting the wonder of grace in the face of a degenerative disease. I am remembering that there was an awful lot more to us as a couple and to him than his journey with Parkinson's.
when I need you…
forever making me laugh…
pushing me to stretch
and opening my pools of love –
you teach me.
And it is in your very presence
that I ‘become’ gratitude.
This is a favorite photo of mine; a man who lived life in joy and hope. He had insecurities just like everyone else, but he tried not to burden others with them and instead shared love and kindness. He smiled ALL the time!
Russ was my Velveteen Rabbit. We weren't just friends for what we could do for one another.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." (by Margery Williams)
We were BFFs, best friends forever. As years passed, just like the little rabbit, we were happy - so happy. We never noticed that we each got shabbier, older and in Russ' case, sick. We had our own magic wrapping us in warmth and safety.
Apparently others 'saw' our connection. I had many emails, texts hugs and calls today. Life wasn't always easy to be sure, but we were on the same page, supporting one another. I am endlessly grateful.
As our HOUSE BLESSING said:
From Psalm 24:3-4
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with precious and pleasant riches.
Can I relate that to us? Of course. By wisdom and love we built a relationship of deep understanding which made a strong foundation for our life of riches in one another. Waking this morning, I had to acknowledge three years missing him, but always loved. On top of my brother's Celebration of Life, it has been a difficult few days.