It is hard to leave a job you have been doing for 13+ years. It is hard on many levels and I am struggling to put the pieces in place, in an order that makes sense and doesn’t break my heart. It is a time to ponder, to reflect and to move beyond the decision into a new life filled with love and wrinkled texture.
My job was a big part of me. I loved the people. I loved the projects. But it was often implied (not by any one person, but within the culture) that anyone can work in an administrative position. One doesn’t need to look far, someone will want the job. There is no need to search beyond our town, someone will want the job. As long as you like people, anyone can do the job. As long as you don’t ask too many questions, anyone can do the job. As long as you aren’t too empathic, anyone can do the job.
Then there are my mistaken realities. As long as you are organized, you will be appreciated. As long as you hold people accountable, you will be appreciated. As long as you speak your truth, you will be appreciated. I would suggest to you, that both are false scenarios taken alone. Our world is not one size fits all.
The bottom line is that in the end, I am no longer the right person for the job. Perhaps any warm body can do it, but I don’t choose to. As worldly culture changes, so too does work culture. At my age I have the luxury of choice and I choose to no longer participate. I had become ‘the ancient one’ (the oldest on staff and one of the least paid, not that one reflected the other). I became more of a burden to people than a help and that did no one any good.
I have been in denial, taking months to make the decision. I kept telling myself I was adaptable and could change. Using my life long skill of looking out for others, worrying about others, lifting up others, I forgot to take care of myself. There was a dawning moment when someone said ”Linda, you just have to set boundaries”, and it all clicked into place. I can do life my way, not the boundaries being suggested, but the ones I make for myself. I’m embarrassed it took me so long to admit to myself that I had become the wrong person for the job. It was blatantly evident, but I just ignored the signs, shoving them away, out of sight.
I was a teacher for 20 years, a nanny for 6 years, and an artist and storeowner for 6 years before moving to Colorado. Once in Durango I worked in a downtown shop for 3 years before taking a journey to my current job. With all that experience, one would suspect my eyes were wide open. In reality I had to pause, reflect and redirect my thinking. I read somewhere that age wrinkles the body and quitting wrinkles the soul. I prefer to call it a resignation, but my soul does feel a bit wrinkled. I was certain upon reflection that it would be foolish to persist.
Here is my analogy. A woman in her late 70’s takes a job in a downtown high-end home goods store. She is a former actress used to being busy, going to fancy parties and living the LA life. She wants to be engaged with people when she moves to Durango. She gets a job and comes to the store each day in the same full make-up she has ‘worn’ since she was in her 20s. It looked amazing and sleek than, now it looks wrinkled, gaudy and out of place; someone trying to live a past life, not the current one. (and that is actually someone I know!)
That relates to me how? My way of doing things does not fit today’s culture. It was time for me to re-evaluate. I took the time and made an effort to look at who I am and if I wanted to change to be a welcomed and supported employee in today’s culture.
Not surprising, I just want to be me. No make-up, standing tall and following mother’s directive... after 40, do it your way. I honestly don’t want to back track in how I do life. I am not saying I am right and they are wrong. I am not saying everyone should take lessons from Baby Boomers or that I want no part of of Gen. X values. I am merely saying it’s time to go home and be me, care for Russ and do my best to be a good, kind and giving person. So onward...