My previous post touched on my guilt at taking time away from Russ to do some 'me time' and having a care person at the house with him. It hurts. It was suggested I might consider looking at it a bit differently. In response to my blog post she wrote:
"...I have a suggestion for reframing your much-needed getaways into a more positive light..."
She wrote a lengthy reply but a couple of things really stood out, calling me to pay attention.
She suggests one way I could reframe my response was to consider Russ' voice saying “I can love Linda. She does so much for me, and this is something I can do for her. I can love her and let her go have fun. This is important to me and gives my life some meaning. I can let her go and wish her well.”
Wow, she is so insightful. In Russ coherent times that is exactly what he would say. That IS my ol' Russ! Then she suggested I shift my response when I return home. It might go something like this... “Thank you for getting along without me for so long! Getting away really did me good! You are a real champ and a gem of a husband for making this small sacrifice for me! I love you so much for that, for doing that for me!”. Thank you."
Both suggestions woke me up! As another person pointed out: "Sometimes we are so attached to our own identity as "caregiver' that we can't let go of it for even a few hours."
Both her suggestions are dealing with strong emotions, in conflict with my natural instinct to feel guilt. By taking the step back to reframe my responses, I can actually become a detached observer and more able to internalize new possibilities.
I love the fact that there are people in my life that I can count on to discuss things in a reasonable way. Parkinson's in not reasonable or predictable and shifts almost as soon as a plan is formed. By having folks who offer steadiness, calm and empathy, I can reasonably come to a place of listening with my heart.