John Ortberg wonders what my regrets are. Am I regretting the decisions I have made or the decisions I strayed from with excuses? Am I finding myself with feelings of regret because I know I made the wrong choice? For the last several weeks I have come up with some planned routines to help me relax into choice and open doors.
Just this evening, I looked out the front window at the beauty in front of me; tears began and I thought 'Oh lovey, I MISS you!' (wails actually, not silent tears). So what did I miss today that might have helped me move towards whole? Was I unhappy that I learned a truth about myself that I wish I hadn't? Well, the day was spent learning about household mechanics. There are an awful lot of things I have never given an iota of thought to. Where is the water main? What is a water system plug? Do I need to call Dig Safe? Should I have a rig come in to help move the lilac bush or is it too close to the wall? None are huge unto themselves, but I have always had Russ to bounce ideas off of. When I was missing Russ, I really needed his help to navigate so much unknown. My solution, found in the tears, was to begin a mechanical 3 ring binder. I can put information about house mechanics all in one place. When do I change the salt in the water filter, or the batteries in the electric garage touch pad or change the filters in the reverse osmosis system? I think that will help me feel more in control... something I really like to be!
I will need to follow some of Dr. Seuss' advice:
- “You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.”
- “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”
- “And when you’re in a Slump you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.”... but try!
- “All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.”
- “On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.”
- “And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”
- “You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.”
- “You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, So... get on your way!”
I am learning from John Ortberg's book as well as the words of Dr. Seuss. Much of it is reminders, things I have learned in my life, but have put aside in recent years in order to care for Russ. I do know that every day belongs to me, that I have the 'tools' I need to guide my destiny. I have always been a person to consider pros and cons. Lately my world got a bit muddled and making mental connections for which path to traverse or avoid has become more elusive. Both authors reminded me to reconnect; use some of my aloneness, my solitude, to connect my body, mind and heart.
I do know everyone goes through both good times and bad times, even when they are hugely successful. I am facing a harrowing challenge with the loss of Russ in my life, but it is up to me to choose wisely how to proceed. If things aren't going my way, how do I overcome sad moments? Both authors suggest to me that in order to overcome those moments of sadness or indecision I need to keep moving forward. I seem to get stuck in a place when I feel I am not in control, but I must allow 'the
profound' that is right in front of me to 'talk'. It is then that I might overcome sadness.
I see my counselor Lillian every other week. She mirrors John Ortberg and Dr. Seuss in reminding me that we are all doing life in our own way and my feelings and needs are mine alone. Others aren't necessarily focusing on my needs, but their own. With that in mind I need to persevere even when my protective layers are falling apart. This will spur me forward in adjusting to a life lived alone.
And again, all three of these wise people suggest that ultimately, I cannot predict what other people and circumstances will throw my way. I need to dig deep and be sure of who I am and use my head and my feet (thank you Dr. Seuss) to navigate life.