That has been my feeling for the past couple of weeks. My older brother has been struggling with ALS for several years. Each day brought changes, small good-byes, and adjustments. His wife Steph was a hero...an angel really...helping him navigate the horrors of ALS and end-of-life. His children stepped up as an extension of that support team; a truly amazing family.
Last weekend was his Celebration of Life. It was beautiful (if that can be said of saying good-bye to someone you love) and attended by so many. You could see and feel how he touched so many lives.
The day after leaving Massachusetts, was the 3 year anniversary of Russ' death from complications of Parkinson's Disease...also a horror in its own way. The day after Russ' death day I tested positive for Covid. Now, 4 days later I tested positive again, demanding continued isolation. All this has left me in an emotional tailspin.
I KNOW that there are completely rational reasons why my heart and my brain are dislodged, why I am having a hard time concentrating and having a difficult time keeping up with the mental challenges. In other words, 'I feel like I am losing my mind', a very normal reaction to stress. I have to say though, it is not comfortable.
I am thinking that my stress in living with these three convergent issues is putting my brain in high alert which in turns makes me feel as though my world is spinning out of control. I know we all deal with stress, grief, sadness...emotions... our own way and my way is not your way is not his way. I learned that clearly when Russ and I became a team with Parkinson's. We used to talk about a 'team sport' and that neither of us got our own way all the time.
But now I am alone, and I do get the final say in the how and why of my world. In trying to process Andy's death, Russ being gone 3 very long years and Covid I came across the Emotion Wheel. What I like about it is that it refines our feelings. I am very SAD right now, but if I dig a bit deeper, I am DISAPPOINTED that there was not anything more that I could do for either of these guys. And the truth is, I did my best and I can't ask anything more of myself. What being isolated with Covid has done is make me sit with this uncomfortable feeling.
"Your daily expressions of LOVE make my life.
Thank you for being a caring beacon for me in my
PD adventure. I love you Linda!"
Even today, when I read those words I come back to 'live your life'; do for others what you did for me. So I am working through Covid and the experience of two favorite men dying and trying to 'right' my world.