I had an appointment with my counselor today. In the waiting room I picked up an OUTSIDE magazine and flipped it open to a random page. The above paragraph is the first thing I read. I decided that was as good a place as any to begin my session, so I brought the magazine with me to read the thought out loud and see if I could process it for me, in my circumstances.
Much of my previous week was anxiety driven. Should I travel east? Do I have enough home owners insurance in case of fire? (We had 3 nearby fires in one week and the SW is under a Red Flag Warning) How is the health of all those I love? What jobs do my grandkids have for the summer? Is there anything I can do to be a better communicator? And on and on.
Reading that thought in the magazine and looking at my life, Lillian suggested that the majority of my anxiety was for other people and most were adults. She reminded me that it is not my role to solve their problems; it was time to accept the challenge to up my fun meter.
I suppose doing what I am doing this very minute... sitting on my back porch, listening to bird song, being surrounding by the dancing leaves of the aspen trees and writing. I see the hummingbirds enjoying my neighbor's feeder. And I watch the spinning of my garden windmill. Bliss...and yes, fun.
Sometimes though, life seems like an endless string of obligations and I can't seem to give myself permission to have fun. By doing that, won't I be distracted from my responsibilities? I need to ask the more valuable question of whether those responsibilities are truly mine to worry over, or someone else's.
I have been toying with several ideas; of a trip east to see family, to volunteer for Mercy Ships in Africa, to go down to Lion's Wilderness Amphitheater this summer for a play, or to rent an airstream in Salida to catch up with Matt and Mari. All rate on the fun meter!
I think sometimes I get confused within my own work ethic and my ultimate goal of living life to the fullest. If I learned anything in my 10 years of caregiving it is that life truly is finite and one needs to make a conscious effort to live into goodness, kindness and grace. That requires play, connection and flow... the feeling of being totally present and engaged in the moment.
My immediate focus needs to shift; I need to reactivate my fun meter! As many have said, No one gets out alive. It's time to reinvent myself as a fun person.