we are indeed each other's candles.
Today is month 10 of living in this world with less light. I continue to search for Russ in the everyday, to find a way to express the inexpressible and to find a way to push away sadness and allow joy to filter in. It has not been easy. Answers and hope all seem unfinished, dangling in thin air just out of reach.
Russ was not afraid of death, in fact I believe he welcomed relief from his body, the body he could no longer control. He tried so hard to be an example for me. The only thing he was afraid of was a life unlived so he pressed forward every day glorying in the strength he had left.
I just spent 5 days with my grandson and his girlfriend. Being witness to young love was a reminder of the journey of life. I believe we forget the many phases we have walked until they present themselves to us in later life. I do recall that heady feeling of new love, but I also know that life long love does not exist merely in 'the tingles'. For Russ and me it wasn't just something we felt, but a promise we made to one another.
Somehow we managed the richness of love, care, compromise, giving, respect, devotion and allowing in our vulnerabilities and insecurities. That's what I miss...all of it. Sharing space with Russ merged our hearts. We could share the greatest and tiniest details with one another; that's what I miss. Endless chatter or companionable silence; that's what I miss.
I keep thinking about creating a new life, it's so daunting. So for today, 10 months since his last smile, I will be thankful that his presence made a difference in my life; I truly can't begin to express my gratitude.
What an amazing journey we gifted one another with.