At some point during the last year I realized I could carry the sadness with me, but I had to learn to leave the guilt behind. I am certain that we each did everything we could to live in a world of reality. I know Russ did not want to leave me drowning in sadness; he wanted me to lay the burden down as soon as I could and to live in peace.
Sometimes we have to walk through fire to find ourselves. Was caring for Russ fire? Or was it my hidden path (or not so hidden) to understanding that life is not about ME and YOU. I have embraced prayer to remind myself that there is something out there greater than me and in prayer I am reminded to be the best I can be. I finally understood that darkness always leads to light. And in being witness to Russ' decline and eventual death I understood that no matter how many moments together we were granted, there would never be enough.
With joy and hope, I flew east. I will have time with everyone, but Nan. Surgery prevents her from coming east... always scary, but thankfully Lois will be with her.
trusting life
it’s about family
it’s about love
i am visiting
in hopes to share
my love
my hugs
my care
my support
i want to reach out
to touch their hand in oneness
with smiles from my soul
i will try not to try
i will try not to need control
but to find release in the not knowing
and to be okay with that
if i don’t understand
that’s okay too
i will be there