One word was Stinkin'-Thinkin'. What does that mean someone asked? We never got too involved in that particular thought as we focused that day on swallowing and sleep. But the term lingered and periodically surfaced in my mind in the days to come. What does it mean? Here is my take on it.
Stinkin'-thinkin' is something we all tend to engage in. Rather subliminal in initiation, we engage in internal conversations with ourselves. We might see a detail and dwell on it exclusively and this may darken or skew reality. Imagine a drop of food coloring in water, a swirl that slowly invades the entire contents, making all blend together.
Is that what Cheryle was talking of? As pieces of a PD person disappear, the new fractured reality becomes the whole of our existence. In our head we self-talk of our imperfections and the swirl blends, making the moment seem to be complete failure. I am fairly certain this is normal behavior and we all do it. I am thinking though, that stinkin'-thinkin' can invade the mind of someone with a degenerative disease a lot more frequently than a physically and mentally able person. Then we see ourselves as 'less' than others; it hurts. But using this self-blaming technique too often can take on a life of it's own
I am part of this scenario even though Russ is the one with PD. Here is what it looks like from my perspective. I can pick out a single small detail and dwell on it exclusively throughout the day, seeing it as never-ending. I feel the defeat of its weight, wondering if I can reverse this pattern or if this is the way of our new world. 'Crash and burn' is a term we use for those unexpected moments of defeat; the recording that is on replay in my mind. I guess in a perfect world I would want to be aware of the trajectory of thought a bit sooner than I usually do and rather than dwell on the negative pull the thought towards hope. Good thing I have my counselor Lillian to help with that!
What is stinking'-thinkin' in my world? It is arbitrarily reacting negatively and not even noticing. It is living in a world that does not have to be so, but could shift if I chose. This is not saying PD will go away if we choose it to. It is saying there is grace and beauty in every day. It is saying that each time we show a friend, neighbor, or acquaintance a way to deal with the imperfect life, we give hope. It is saying we pray for power equal to our our tasks, not tasks equal to our power. It is choice; give in to the stinking'-thinkin' or choose to gain perspective.
Yes the 'voice' will be there, but it is OK and even good to talk back occasionally!