When my eyes landed on this photo during breakfast I made a snap decision to go to Navajo Reservoir. I'm afraid it turned into a bit of a cry fest during the drive with lots of tears coming unbidden; a gush of sadness, grief and anger, all spilling down my cheeks.
It does seem unfair that our culture puts sadness in a tight box which makes people afraid to express it. I have cried in front of so many people in the last 4 months, I can't begin to count! My private counselor and my grief counselor both tell me that it is far more mentally healthy to let the tears flow than to suppress them. That should mean I had a very healthy drive down and back! I showed my humanness and earned a badge of courage.
A few things my counselors say is that in my weakness I am showing great strength, that sometimes we need to crumble completely for the healing balm to begin to bring about a soothing of my spirit.
My drive down had been one of silence, crying gags and contemplation. On the drive home I decided to turn on the radio and the song that first came on was:
"When We Fall Apart" by Ryan Stevenson
You were 43 (73) when you got the news
Life will be changing, nothing we can do
The clock is ticking now
All I can think about
Is knowing I have to move on without you somehow
And I just can't believe
That you're the one whose keeping it together
As you hold my hand and say
It's okay to cry
It's okay to fall apart
You don't have to try
To be strong when you are not
And it may take sometime to make sense of all your thoughts
But don't ever fight your tears
'Cause there is freedom in every drop
Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart
The words are beautiful, heartbreaking, emotional and at the same time encouraging. The song captivated me and spoke to what I felt, but hadn't had words to explain the feeling. It was pure and I needed to hear it again. So when I got home, YouTube to the rescue...