I had a mission for this trip; I was bringing Russ' urn and his remaining ashes to my step-son. He and his family would find one last spot to scatter Russ in the glories of nature. I am happy, sad, crushed and grateful. I had the honor to be by Russ' side these last 10 years (43 total) as he adjusted to the daily journey of Parkinson's Disease.
As I drove for hours each day, the quiet allowed my mind to chatter overtime. There was the endless woulda-coulda-shoudas. It was a gluttonous rehashing of self-importance, poor me, and my wanting to be in control. I had long 'talks' with my counselor. I had a grateful heart that Russ no longer struggled with the simplest thing like rolling over in bed. My heart, though heavy, swelled with each text and email from a friend.
"Don't get lost in the pain. Know that one day your pain will become your cure."
-Rumi
As I drove north, I tried to quiet the anxiety that sometimes comes when I hold onto past memories rather than focus on what is happening right now! I had to school myself not to spend time in my head chattering about the past or future possibilities, possibilities that might never happen. Sometimes I have to close my eyes for a few moments to acknowledge the thoughts streaming through my mind, thoughts that might be fighting against the true reality of this new life.
So in reflection, the trip was tough. My hopes and dreams do not translate to another family's needs & wishes. I have had to put aside those 'dreams' and allow reality to speak out. I am trying to do more than observe my thoughts without needing to fix or manage them. I am trying NOT to demand control.
I cannot control my people.
I cannot control our situation.
Even when I want what is best, I cannot control the outcome.
I cannot make people behave.
I cannot make people believe.
I cannot make people be strong.
Because I am not God.
God alone knows the end from the beginning.
God alone knows how this will turn out.
I hereby fire myself from God's job
And I agree to see my fight for control as what it is:
A screaming testament to my distrust.
With that thought I need to acknowledge that mind chatter is an affliction of human
beings. It creeps in whenever our minds are at rest, not occupied with external things. My trip (and my counselor) helped me to gain focus on that idea, to allow Russ to be a whisper in my heart.