Covid has added another dimension to life's circumstances. There is fear and anticipation thrown into the mix. Recently, with excessive case numbers at one of the local nursing home, the fear and anxiety expanded. The paper listed a multitude of restaurants that have confirmed cases too. In order to get through it or past it, I pretend. I pretend we love going nowhere. I pretend my vigilance in keeping Russ safe is necessary in his eyes too. I pretend Russ is really enjoying endless hours of TV. I pretend ordering books from the library online and then doing a drive through pick-up is a good adventure. I pretend our extraordinary life is extraordinary.
We WILL get through this. Covid WILL get under control. But I may have to up the anti in the pretending department. I may have to pretend to be happy, pretend to be calm, pretend not to be worrying and all the while put on a happy face.
When I began writing this post I wondered how I could do that... put on a happy face. I need to grant myself, Russ and others some grace. I am not suggesting a happy face will be easy all the time, but it is possible if I:
- Show compassion
- Take time for myself to regenerate (and in doing so thank Russ for his part staying with Chance or Audry so I can do so)
- Take the time to meet up with a friend (made possible now because of Visiting Angels)
- Take deep breaths, preferably outside while cursing the neighborhood with Russ who will be able to breathe the fresh air at the same time.
- Remember (hear that? remember...) to be patient with both myself and Russ.
- Laugh... it always makes our interactions go more smoothly
- and always, always make Russ feel safe and loved.
What I don't need to pretend about is my feeling of awe in the way Russ faces this degenerative disease. All my pretending is a byproduct of that awe, knowing he is handling it far better than I would. All that pretending is so he feels safe and loved.
"If you pretend that something is the case, you act in a way that is intended to make people believe that is the case, although in fact it is not." Our world today is about easing Russ into his world of tomorrow and sometimes that requires me to pretend.