I couldn't do this all at once. It took lots of time. I am not there yet, but almost two years since his last smile, my caterpillar statis is creeping forward. I still cry daily, I still look at something or hear something and have to work to rejoice in the memory... we had good ones. I can't live in fear for all of my remaining years without him, I must live in gratitude that life allowed us to be a part of one another's lives for so long. Many don't have that gift. And believe me, he was a gift!
I have been facilitating a small Bible study on Wednesday mornings. Currently we are reading a book titled "ONE WORD that will change your life" by Dan Britton, Jimmy Page and Jon Gordon.
Hmmm. My word changed. With Russ' death, living life one meltdown after another, and wondering if this path is sustainable for the rest of my life, this book has brought me an alternative; an option to break free of my tunnel vision. (of course my counselor is helpful too!) I followed 3 suggestions: unplug, listen, find your word and then live it out. I reframed my thinking and have decided on the word RELEASE. This is not giving up with my grief, it is allowing it to flow while remembering the good memories, not just the very difficult last few years. I have been so stuck in those last few days of his life, but what of the previous 43 years? With a feeling of hope, I plan to focus this year on 'release'.
there’s a space
within
that holds tight
to what was
but now
in this world without russ
i need to release
to open a space
tiny at first
only the crack of light evident
a space of possibility
a space where
i release my grip
release control
to find openness
surrender
and perhaps
just perhaps
find the strength to dance