When we heard the words "You've got Parkinson's", we were paralyzed. The idea of 'the rest of life' being wrapped in PD was heavy, literally daunting. Adding to the fear is having absolutely no idea where the disease would take Russ, the doctors didn't know either, because Parkinson's is a snowflake disease, attacking each person differently.
But lately I have seen people in the midst of anticipatory grief, people newly diagnosed with an illness, people being a cancer survivor 6 years, people newly accepted into 'the hospice club' and me.... trying to figure out who I am without Russ. More often than not, I am 'hanging on'. Every one of those scenarios can be rocky, filled with confusion. For me this last year, it all came down to something as simple as memorizing a quote, saying it each morning to myself and then trying to live into the meaning.
This week marks 4 months without Russ... near torture. It will be 4 months, 16 weeks, 112 days and 2688 hours this coming Friday that Russ died almost quietly while I layed beside him holding his hand, whispering to him how proud I was (am) of his astounding determination, faith, and resilience conquering each mountain and each small good-bye, telling him how much I loved him and that I would deeply miss him.
As I 'hang on', I am waiting for help, which will likely come from within; help that will allow me to capture glimpses of who I am when I am not a 24/7 care mate.