Have you ever heard people say "I wish I knew then what I know now"? I have had a couple of times in my life that forced me to dig deep. One was when Inez, my mother, died. I was a college senior, living across the country. In the aftermath I had a breakdown, an ulcer and had to dig deep to claw my way back to who I could be. I had that turmoil when Russ was diagnosed with Parkinson's. And now, again, I find I have spent several weeks trying to discern why I am struggling right now. I am back to tears and forcing myself to engage with people.I had come so far after Russ' death, while still living in Colorado.
What of now? What of my need to revisit every detail of Russ' final years? How could I have backtracked so far? Well, prayer, my counselor, friends, all my siblings & their families have helped move me from the turmoil of the war zone of my heart and back towards a peaceful reality. I'm grateful.
But it took effort and digging deep. Two thoughts in particular were blazed in my mind. I didn't want to tell the truth to myself or others, but in the end I knew that was the path I must take. I did just that, shared my truth, and I am hoping it leads me back on the path of moving forward.
Peace.
past - present - future -
why?
my tears have returned 10 fold
my face in a scrunch
i ask
what should I do
what would you tell me
the answer whispers
i haven't left you
you are focusing on the wrong things
the hard things
be brave
i'm still there
dig deep and you will see
you will feel the joy of us
remember that
remember the goodness of us
you can do this
dig deep
In my devotion time this morning, I read this and it shines 'light' on my fight for sanity...
"If you're going through a hard time, you don't need to stay cooped up in the darkness. What you need is light to help a better picture come into view. Give yourself a little grace too. The page of who you are becoming isn't going to instantaneously emerge. It's going to take a little time." (Bob Goff)
Those are great words to remind me that my path back to wholeness is gradual...and as Russ would say ' you can do this, dig deep'.