Each detour is unexpected. My maternal mother died when I was young, leaving me in the care of grandparents and then a housekeeper. At a vulnerable age my father remarried, not only throwing me into a whole new world of expectations, step siblings, but a new mother role model. (see blog post dated 11/9/2018 "Who Are You?") I chose which college to attend, but the outcome was far different than the imagined scenario. I chose to marry a man who was completely wrong for me, marrying him for all the wrong reasons and in the end we both paid the price. I later married a man with children, never having the opportunity to birth one of the 6 children I had always 'known' I would have. And today? My husband has Parkinson's Disease and my detour dances on the heels of all the life detours that came before.
As I have said multiple times, I like to be in control. Here is a repeat of a poem I appreciate by Beth Moore.
I AM NOT IN CONTROL
I cannot control people.
I cannot control our situation.
Even when I want what is best, I cannot control the outcome.
I cannot make people behave.
I cannot make people believe.
I cannot make people be strong.
Because I am not God.
God alone knows the end from the beginning.
God alone knows how this will turn out.
I hereby fire myself from God's job
And I agree to see my fight for control as what it is:
A screaming testament to my distrust.
Though I agree with the premise, I continue to have a hard time letting go. I like my habits. I like how I fold my towels, the organization of my cupboards, how the shades are raised and lowered, keeping certain areas of the house tidy and free of piles. I suppose that makes me feel as though I have some control over my life. Something about the consistency and predictability infuses a sense of peace, strength and assurance. I really am along for the ride and each morning when we wake, we choose. Life really is the proverbial journey and I do not, in fact cannot, have it all figured out. I just can't wait until I have all the answers, I need to lean in and be a part of the journey.
So what of this current detour, Parkinson's Disease? It has profoundly rocked our world. Every aspect of life has been changed: riding in a car, eating, sleeping, shaving, dressing, moving from here to there, losing the ability to participate in outdoor activities, having to find a new painting style, articulation, dexterity and on and on. This detour could wrap each of us in darkness, but we have made a concerted effort to seek the light. We eek out the joy through the disappointment.
This post came about because of yesterday's sermon at church about detours in life. We all live them, no one is exempt. The question is what do you do with those moments that are thrust upon you, that you don't choose and don't want. Well, Russ and I try to be mindful and breathe in life. We try to build up our reserves so that we can call upon them on the tough days, when nothing seems to make sense, when life throws us another detour.
Together is the only way we can press forward, arm in arm, heart to heart, breath to breath. He is my champion along this vast detour.