Yesterday Russ had a pacemaker implanted. Implanting the pacemaker went smoothly, but taking out the loop recorder did not! It has been a long two days. I am grateful he was released and we are home to the quiet and comfort of our own home.
Sadly I am at my wits end because I’m tired and anxious. Russ was amazing, but even a smooth hospital stay can be exhausting. I become so much more vulnerable when I am tired or scared. The night brought on so many 'nursie Linda' tasks during his hospital stay that I found myself having moments this morning of being downright testy. I am grateful I was able to spend the night and I was able to be there when he needed me. I am sad for Russ and all the ramifications of Parkinson's; it breaks my heart.
There seemed to be an endless number of people attending to Russ while he was in the hospital; knowledgeable people, people who knew just what to do. Getting in and out of bed is a chore which several times required two people to grab the under sheet to scoot him upward in bed. I worried... how will we do that alone, how can we make the transition as seamless as possible? Leaving the safety of nurse/staff supervision scared me. I worried about reducing the possibility of complications.
So many people have reached out through text, email, food and prayer... but there is heartbreak wrapped around all that goodness. We are headed home and I am grateful I will have a room to be away from his eyesight and to be alone with my tears; I will hear him if he calls. Perhaps some of my unease is that we are no longer in an environment where I can get immediate backup if needed. My unease makes me weepy.
So to those of you who have reached out and been witness to my fear, thank you for your patience and care. I missed staff meeting this week because that was surgery day. Jeff shared a link of the Ted Talk they watched: Susan David gave a talk titled "The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage". In essence her premise centered on how we deal with our emotions and how our reactions shape everything moving forward. Mine have been ragged with fear and that most certainly has been evident. The line I particularly loved was when she was explaining how people might say to her "I just wish this feeling would go away" or "I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed." Oh my gosh, that line could be mine! And her reply to them... "I understand, but you do know don't you, that you have dead people's goals." Rather a somber thought, but true. There is no perfect. There is no day without feelings.
We just can't walk away and ignore our feelings. They must be expressed and mine may be different than his, different than yours, different than societies non-emotional response. In order to move through my fear for Russ' health and safety, we need to communicate. Tho it may not have been a smooth transition, it has been honest and we're getting there. I am looking forward to these smiles returning.