I'm not sure how the conversation came up today, but one of the Amish weddings I have been to was the subject. I thought I had posted my reflections, but apparently not. The Amish have always intrigued me. not because I valued their lives style, but because I valued their dedication and the feeling that the only way to live that life was to honor the roles of males and females. It seemed to be an expectation of don't ask questions or choose, just follow, a baptism of sorts.
I loved the Sue Bender series of books starting with Plain and Simple, an English view of an Amish world.
The ‘short’ intro to this scenario… My sister lived in Hillman, MI and moved south to Mio, MI. Nan and Tim had 4 boys at the time of the move. Her husband built pallets for the auto industry so the move required building a house and a shop. No time to build a barn before winter.
No worries, all their neighbors were Amish and one came by and suggested they’d all come round ‘next week’ and we’ll build you a barn. Nan provided bread, chili, pies and lots of coffee. Buggy after buggy arrived filled with family… a weekend barn raising!
Nan home schooled, so the boys did not have many friends outside their brother group. In their teens, Ben and Jake started attending “Sunday night singing” in the Amish community. This gathering gives the teens a chance to size each other up as candidates for dating, a time for socializing. It offered Ben and Jake the opportunity to meet kids their own age. Both found future spouses at these gatherings (more to that story, but not now).
When Ben was to marry Katie, I was not going to miss the experience, end of discussion! I read and read about Amish traditions and rules. I queried my sister Nan on appropriate dress… no elbows, no knees, high neckline… I was ready!
Following is a follow-up email I sent to family & friends who had not been able to attend. I just found it stashed in a box and amazingly I do remember most of it correctly.
I loved to quilt and I loved the simple patterns of the Amish. There began my intrigue. The opportunity to be witness to this life style and devotion was a gift and I approached the trip with great anticipation.
Nan- mother of the groom, my sister
Ben- groom
Katie- bride
Lisa- my older sister
Linda- me, older sister
Lizzie-the hostess friend for the wedding party
I don’t recall who hosted the actual wedding, but it was at another home
Though the following account is about Ben's & Katie's wedding, the photos are a combination of both. So don't be confused if you actually know all these folks, the photos are to add a visual of what that day looked like.
An Amish Wedding, July, 1998
Nan, Lisa and I were to go to Lizzie’s house to help in food preparation. For three days ladies would gather to prepare food. My understanding is that the bride’s family pays for much of the food, but that there are donations from the community as well. For instance, something called Fruit Slush was to be served at the wedding dinner and Nan had about 50 containers of this in her freezer that ladies had made in the previous weeks and dropped off. Nan after all, not being Amish, had an electric freezer as opposed to an ice house.
Arrival at Nan’s:
Nan, Lisa and I had been asked to bring a fresh fruit ‘something’ to be eaten at the pot-luck lunch the following day, our first day of wedding meal prep. This particular community loves their sugar and seems to get a kick out of serving nothing plain. For us to bring a fresh fruit salad would not be considered a treat. Where is the sweet in that?
This night, I cruised through all on Nan’s Amish and Mennonite cookbooks and read off recipes until we had made a collective decision. Ginger Ale, Lemon-fruit Jello. I’m not kidding. I hadn’t made jello in over 30 years (OK, I am a bit of a food snob) and to this I was gong to add fruit cocktail (it’s own sugar sweet disaster)! The only trouble with this little decision was it was 11 o’clock at night in a small Amish community so shopping would have to wait until morning.
Day One:
I woke early and by 7am I was headed to the store to get our lovely fruit contribution ingredients. The jello needed to harden before we headed to Lizzie’s.
…and so began my role as ‘errand queen’, otherwise known as ‘she who has car’.
Jello made and hardened, the three of us set off with Abbie (Nan now had 5 boys, Abbie being 3 years old) in tow to help with the food prep. It is an honor to be chosen as a cook, especially for the big things like fried chicken, bread, pies and cakes. The ladies take their jobs very seriously and that was completely evident as we arrived. It was also evident when we arrive that Lisa and I were strangers; English, worldly, and certainly of the ‘look, but do not touch’ variety. Nan by now was straddling both worlds.
An aside:The funny part here is that Nan was the renegade daughter/child in the family. She pushed limits, defied curfews, challenged dress codes and generally shocked her older and somewhat naive and stayed sisters. She was voted ‘Class Sweetheart’ in high school and was every bit the part! She continues to be a sweetheart today, but with the soft edges of an amazing mama.
When we arrived, Lizzie suggested that since we were close to the noon hour Nan should show us around the wedding site and we could wait to get our hands dirty until after lunch. As we walked around I felt as though there was a wide circle of ‘empty’ that deflected anyone from getting too close. The ladies would give a shy smile and then back away after Nan introduced us. As I was going through a door, an Amish woman with her hands full was trying to pass in the opposite direction. She jumped back with “Oh, you first!” Her hands were fill, she wouldn’t let me help, she insisted I go first; I was beginning to think this might be a very uncomfortable few days.
Note:The wedding kitchen was recently added on to the back of Lizzie’s house. She said she had wanted to do it for a long while and that this was a great excuse. This ‘kitchen’ had the same square footage as my house! There were two complete sink areas with counters, 5 stoves, an icebox (literally) and several rows of tables set up for work surfaces.
Once I made it inside, the ladies were beginning to clean up from the morning’s preparation. They would clean their space and then back to the outer edge of the room. I wasn’t clear what was happening, but there was a calming, a hymn began and beautiful voices filled the room. One hymn led to another, the melodies floating up, swallowing the busyness and replacing it with peace. This continued until a man walked in and said “Let us pray”. What a delightful and cherished way to begin a meal with many friends.
Lunch was set out and given tradition, the man went first and guests next. I found it rather uncomfortable to have all eyes on Lisa and I as we moved through the line. I took a tiny bit of everything so I would not slight someone unintentionally by skipping over their offering. Outside, picnic tables spread across the lawn, room enough for all. Only a couple of little girls and one young woman were bold enough to sit with us. The little girls ate quickly and left. That left Nan, Lisa and Jane on one side of the table and with the little girls suddenly gone, only me on my side. As the table was on a slight hill, when I rose to get a bit of cream for my coffee, the whole table flipped; the coffee pot went flying up in the air and Nan, Lisa and Jane fell backwards, a tumble of feet and arms. Screams, cries, panic, concern…the ice was broken, we were approachable. Odd to me that a smile, a question, a helping hand did not seem approachable, but a tumble to the ground was? For whatever reason, ladies began asking questions. The favorites of the week turned out to be “Are you the one from Vermont or Massachusetts?” and “Are you the younger or the older?” Now relaxed in ‘mixed company’, I believed our stay with the Amish would be all I had hoped for.
The reception would be in a very large shed, much like an open barn or arena. It would hold the ‘Corner Table’ for the bridal party, two family tables and seats/tables for 400 guests. Three special 2-layer cakes are made, one for the Corner Table and one each for the families. The morning cooking crew had made 73 sheet cakes for the other guests to share. My job, along with Lisa, was to decorate all the sheet cakes. Katie, the bride, enjoys cake decorating and had made little frosting flowers and frozen them. Our job was to put 18 flowers on each cake. Have you done the math? 73 X 18 = 1,314 little frosting flowers! Making a couple dozen cookies challenges me; 1,314 flowers is just not comprehendible. The job of ‘decorating’ was not demanding and allowed me to soak in all that was going on around me. As the cakes were finished, they needed to be brought down into the cool basement of the house to be stored until the next day. The basement was built with a 2’ ledge all around it. This was canned good storage, but since it was the beginning of canning season, there was plenty of space.
Decorating complete, I became a dishwasher. I enjoyed this job because it allowed me to spend private time with several different women, each of us taking turns asking questions.
Later in the afternoon I was asked to take Jake, Dan, (Ben’s brothers) and Luke (Amish teen) to the store to do a bottle return. We had a great afternoon, lots of laughs as we plodded through all the errands people had loaded onto our list. At the grocery store I waited in the car for the guys to do the bottle return. Jake and Dan came out and got in the car, but Luke was doing a little bit of shopping. When he came out of the store I think he was thinking with a youthful male Amish mind (my interpretation) and snapped his fingers for me to move forward and pick him up. I stayed my ground and snapped back, indicating that I would wait right there for him. He gave a little male display by stomping his foot and striding towards the car, going around back to load his purchases in the trunk. Just as he got there, I moved the car forward to the exact place he had wanted me to cater to his whim. Talking with men who aren’t family is not particularly encouraged, but for the rest of my stay, my ‘little joke’ was the catalyst for some conversation with men… guess they wanted to speak with an outspoken woman and see what it was like.
Note: Men and women were two distinct groups for me as an ‘English’. I could walk up and speak with any woman, but I was ‘supposed’ to wait for a man to approach me for conversation. I treated that the same way I treated taking pictures… with a bit of ‘ignorance’.
More dishes later in the afternoon and a good talk with Ruth, Katie’s sister. At around 4:30 all the women began leaving. Many had buggy pooled, some had family members pick them up and others walked home.
Day Two:
Errands, errands and more errands.
Having a car made me the natural errand lady. There is a sort of Amish taxi service in this area run by non-Amish. They have large vans and when there is a need for a longer trip, they load it up with many people to make the cost worth the trip. I made it known that I was willing to help with errands and that it was not an imposition.
We again arrived late to the mornings cooking as we were responsible for bringing the Vanilla Ice Cream for the lunch pot-luck. There was no space in Nan’s freezer or the many available ice boxes as they were all filled with wedding food. It had to be bought last minute and then we headed to Lizzie’s.
My day’s duties began with dishes…again. If there wasn’t an immediate task, dishes were a good way to meet people. Everyone seemed to take turns at washing and drying. A few women had been asked to do specific tasks… like today, a group made pie crust for 43 pies, another coleslaw for 400 and some 58 loaves of bread. By the time we arrived jobs had been delegated. The big jobs of the day were making the pies and the coleslaw, peeling potatoes, cutting and washing chicken and finish setting all the tables.
I did get assigned an ‘official’ job to be carried out with Lisa. We were to go to Katie’s house and pick up the Corner Table wedding cake. Katie had made this and frosted it at home. We were to walk in the house, gather up the cake and transport it back to the event shed without the slightest smudge. Now that is what I call an official job!
Of course Lisa and I did not just walk in and collect the cake, we wanted to get a good look at the house. I found it to be very European. There was a bareness about it; clean with no frills, but comfortable feeling. This group of Amish did allow cushioned chairs in their homes, but usually only one couch and/or one easy chair (probably for the eldest male). The rest of the living room chairs were rockers. The pictures on the walls were framed calendar pictures. Most rooms had curtains and all floors were seamless vinyl. As much as this group of Amish loved sugar, they appeared to love plastic.
Lisa was the one responsible for the cake arriving ‘untouched’; I only had to be careful not to hit bumps or go too fast around corners. It was a slow ride back to Lizzie’s and we were both a bit ‘challenged’ with bringing the cake back in one piece.
More dishes…
The lunch ritual was the same. As noon approached, each woman finished her job, washed her hands and seamlessly moved to the outer edge of the room. As we waited, a hymn was begun. Lizzie’s husband arrived, led us in prayer and invited all to eat.
Time for another errand after lunch. Lisa, Katie, Ben and I were sent to the grocery store to pick up a huge quantity of food. There was an enormous amount of sandwich meat, 6 large boxes (3’ x 2’) of chicken parts and all the last minute things to be gathered. We had so much crammed into the car that I told Ben and Katie I had built them a bundling board. Katie summarily told me I read too much and that their community did not do that. I told her I was just joking and she appeared quite relieved.
Note: I was in a constant tug of war when I was among these women, being yanked from my reality to theirs. On an individual basis I could make connection, but the enormity of our world differences was boggling. I’m pretty easy going, but the restrictions on women was almost frightening to me. Looking in, knowing I was leaving made it comfortable, but my perception of their life long reality was scary. The afternoon was a dizzying spin.
Returning with the groceries, four women cut up the 750 pieces of chicken (Lisa got the honor of that duty) while Ruth and I cleaned, washed and stored it all. This would be cooled in ice chests for the night and women would arrive at dawn to begin frying it up for the noon meal.
The day brought sink after sink after sink of dishes. Chicken duty done… more dishes. About 6 of us chipped in. A hymnal was brought out and propped up on a shelf over the sink; washing, drying and singing began. Can you even begin to imagine all the pots, dishes, utensils, glasses, and whatever else it takes to cook for 400 looks like as it piles up ready to be washed… by hand! Time flew by as tables filled with clean dishes and the clothesline filled with wet towels.
Honestly, it was a masterful undertaking. I noticed great joy enfolding this community. The purpose was clear; Ben and Katie were giving themselves to one another and to God, with the best wishes of the community.
Day Three:
Lisa and I arrived at Lizzie’s at around 7:30am. We were making an early morning delivery of Fruit Slush and taking pictures of the Corner Table (an ‘illegal’ request by Katie). The honored cooks were already hard at work on the final preparation for the noon meal. Those that were blood relatives of Katie (several aunts, and her sister) would leave the kitchen at about 11:30 to go to the neighbors barn to hear the vows (the wedding having been in progress for a couple hours by that time).
As Lisa and I took the illegal pictures of the Corner Table setting, there was giggling erupting behind us, a plan was unfolding. A young married couple, friends of Ben and Katie, decided to help further in the picture taking caper. They pushed Ben and Katie into the barn and slid the doors closed, leaving them with ‘the photographers’. They stood watch for any approaching elders while Lisa and I (mature grown-ups) took several shots of the bridal couple. Certainly pictures were a part of Ben’s past, but I suspected this was somewhat momentous for Katie. Really, what could Katie possibly do with those photos except put them under her mattress?
Note: I did notice several instances of this elder/young people clash. When these young people are elders will it be OK to take pictures?
Pictures done, Ben and Katie were off to the wedding farm for their last counseling session. They would meet for an hour and a half with the elders, 2 ministers and the Bishop, totaling 20+ people, all men except Katie. How intimidating is that for a young couple? This is the time for the elders to impart last words of wisdom, to pray, and to remind Ben and Katie one last time that this marriage is a lifetime. Not only do they agree to stay together forever, but to abide by the Amish ‘Way’.
At around 8:30am the buggies began to arrive. The families are unloaded in front of the barn and separated into male and female groupings. Men cluster to one side to visit and women gather on the other. Young children in arms and toddlers might be with Daed or Mamm. Children from around the age of 4 will gravitate to either side at will.
A group of male youth park the buggies and lead the horses to hitching posts. Here the horses quietly stand until needed again to transport their family to the wedding feast. One guy told me that it takes about 3 months to make a horse Amish.
While people are arriving, there is still busyness down at the kitchen. Someone decide there were not enough vegetables so Nan and I were sent to Suzy’s ice house down the road as she had plenty of frozen ones. It was about an 8’x 10’ free-standing house filled with ice blocks. A very large, very cold, very old fashioned, non-electric freezer. As intrigued as I was, I was getting a bit frustrated as I didn’t want to miss a minute of the service. I was in charge of driving the mothers of the bride and groom to the wedding. Barb (bride’s mother) kept getting asked questions and we ended up being a tad late, missing the first song.
At 9 o’clock everyone files in. There is an order to it all, but I don’t remember the specifics. Basically the room is divided in half with women & girls on one side and men & boys on the other. The toddlers and up to about age 4 can sit on either side.
During the first song Ben and Katie, all the elders, ministers and the Bishop left the gathering. This was a time for more prayers and their last ditch effort (my interpretation) to scare two young kids into submission (my words, my thoughts). I am sure that as a religious order in the late 90s, just as it is with so many churches, loosing members is a fear.
When I arrived with the mothers the service was under way. It was immediately evident to me that the same joy I experienced in preparation was not in this room now. This was solemn and would remain so for 3 ½ hours.
The service…as best as I can remember:
• Hymn
during which Ben and Katie leave
• Hymn
• Hymn
during which Ben and Katie return
• 1 hour sermon
Given by a 50ish year old minister mostly instructing the couple and reminding those already married, that marriage is a partnership and one must listen, respond, and encourage one another.
• Prayer
• 1 ½ hour sermon
Given by a 70ish year old Bishop. This had a heavier tone of wife obey husband. Given what I lived out before this service with the young adults, I wondered how much change this generation would bring to the faith
• Prayer
• Vows
…all 4 ½ minutes of them! VERY serious, no smiles, no joy
• Hymn
Note: The entire service was in German. We ‘English’ sat together (male and female) in the back corner with an interrupter. Hymns are very lengthy and one hymn could take 10 minutes+. They are sung as they were sung in the 15thcentury when jailed Amish/Anabaptists sang between cells. They confused guards in the lengthy wording, singing each phoneme in a long, slow, drawn out note. The word note would be nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooot
I found that the service actually lacked a certain reverence. People were constantly getting up and moving about. Mostly it was for the exchange of kids from one side of the room to the other, to use the port-a-let outside, or to get a glass of water at the cookie/water station in the corner. Every little stir focused attention away from the speaker. When the cooks arrived towards the end of the service to hear the vows, all eyes followed their movement into the barn and then out again as they left after the vows were spoken.
Following the service, everyone moved out of the building. Buggies and horses where hooked up and families moved to the reception site. The ‘benches crew’ began their work of folding all the benches and stacking them in 2 long bench wagons. These were pulled by two work horses down to the reception site and set up in the barn for the meal. This was a practiced job and seemed to take no time at all.
My thrill was watching all the buggies leave in a long dusty line. I waited til the near end to join the line so I could take joy in the sight. One unruly horse (guess he wasn’t quite Amish yet!) gave a family a scare. He bolted and as he did so the mother jumped from the buggy with babe in arms, but the rest of the family could only hold on as the horse took them on a joy(less) ride.
The reception was rather uneventful. A delicious lunch of friend chicken and then standing around socializing for a couple of hours. The bride and groom had to open EVERY present. People wandered in and out of the present tent, but only the bride and groom lasted through all the gift opening. The young people, 16 to married, played volleyball. The children had their own games. By mid-afternoon people began leaving.
In the evening, a close 200 friends returned for an evening meal. This was a sandwich supper followed by a hymn sing. A long and faithful day ended in song.
FINAL NOTE:
Both boys lives followed a journey like many of us, making choices that would change the trajectory. Neither young man is any longer Amish, though both carry their faith with them. Ben is divorced and makes his living as a carpenter/finish carpenter. Jake has done 5 tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and seems to be a lifer in the Air Force. He and his family have moved about the county as most military families do. I am proud of both of these young men who care with all their heart for their families. They gift many with their example of love... I presume learned from the living example of their parents.